I gained weight. How did this happen?

Wow. Since joining Weight Watchers this year, instead of LOSING 7 pounds, I've GAINED 7 pounds. Good lord. I feel huge, my face shows the chubby, and I just feel sluggish and crappy.

I will go to the gym tomorrow. I will, I vow. I will. And hopefully, over Pesach, I will lose some weight since I won't be eating anything breaded or fried or anything. But hopefully, the seders won't do me out and hopefully I can keep my portions SMALL. My matzo consumption SMALL. And my food consumption SMALL.

Oh, and I'm sticking to vegetarian ... hopefully. Evan's bubbie might not let me. But here's hoping?

A few more pounds. Always a few more pounds.

Wow, it's been a while, blog, hasn't it? So what's new?

I'm wavering between a few weights, and I'm not going to be all shy and not say what they are, probably my biggest beef with Jen Lancaster's "Such a Pretty Fat" book that I just finished, she never mentioned her weight, and it gave me no perspective. It was frustrating. When I originally did Weight Watchers last year, I got down to about 203 pounds from my starting point about a year and a half ago of about 238 I think it was. When I started WW last January, I was at 220-something. Now, I'm hopping between 203 and 207 from week to week. I'm not sure how my body can manage to waiver between four pounds, but it's managing it well. And it's frustrating. I would seriously do anything, I repeat ANYTHING to lose those last few pounds to drop below 200, but it just isn't happening. My body is refusing, mocking me, and it's leaving me unhappy and depressed with this body.

Since moving to Connecticut, I've watched my thighs un-tone themselves from lack of schlepping every day and I've watched my hips grow wide. My cheeks are chubbying again, and I feel it everywhere -- even if the pounds are there in number, the weight is showing. I feel weak, stairs are a pain, and I'm irritated.

Tuvia and I recently went to Chicago, where we schlepped almost four miles straight. My knees, after those four miles, let me unable to walk. I just wanted to sit. At some point, I need to see someone about these problem knees, but I can't use it as an excuse -- there are things I can do.

So I bought an Everlast 4-Way Ab Stretch, and I love it. I haven't used it much, but I've used it while watching television. For dinner I made some Citrus Glazed Alaska Rockfish and a thing of white rice -- a 6-point, nutrition-packed meal. I have managed not to eat over my points total for the day, and I have 1.5 left and I have some low-points stuff (fruit!) that I can nosh, hopefully.

Watching the Biggest Loser tonight made me angry. These people are so lucky. They have a chance to shave off pounds and really do something. And people like me? We have irregular schedules and are living in dorm rooms and can't spend 24/7 at the gym with nutritionists and guides. If I could afford a trainer? I would. Bums me out.

But I'm trying NOT to be so negative. It's hard, but I have to figure it out.

I just want to hit 199. That'll motivate me, right?

Venting.

Warning: This is kind of a bummed-out, negative post :(

It's been a very, VERY disappointing couple of weeks. I haven't lost a single pound, and if anything gained a bit. Between the Super Bowl and Shabbos dinners and eating out? I'm finding it hard to rein in my cravings. I feel like I'm hungry ALL the time.

I'm beginning to wonder if having the food out in my room, readily available for noshing -- as opposed to having it in a separate room or in cabinets packed away -- is my problem. It makes me wonder if there's some way for me to get around this. Either that, or I need to just find some way to have low, or zero-point snacks around. Most of what I have is 2-point stuff, but a lot of 2-point stuff adds up fast. I need to get back to drinking plain coffee and not "coffee beverages" or Dunkin Donuts coffee laced with cream and sugar.

I sound like a broken record, but it seemed so much easier last year. I'm guessing this has a lot to do with my A) environment, B) schedule, C) relationship. Not having a consistent schedule day to day makes my eating really irregular, having a boyfriend and social life means lots of eating out and eating not necessarily in the most healthful way, etc. I always try to err on the side of grilled chicken or fish, but sometimes I sway.

I am just frustrated. I really need to work something out, or else this Weight Watchers thing will be a big, fat, waste of money. When I lost the 20/25 last year, I lost it really quick, within the first month and a half or so. I hit a plateau and couldn't really drop below where I was. I'm at that point now, a few pounds heavier, and I'm worried that this plateau is going to screw me over once again.

I really need to get active. Work out. I need to find a way to do it in my own way, though. I miss having the shore to walk along and walking everywhere around town. I feel the weight back in my thighs and it's frustrating. I just miss living in the city, where it seemed I was doing better because it necessitated walking everywhere.

Living out here? It's made me really lazy, and I hate it.

New foods!

I've come across some delicious, healthy foods that I'd like to share with the masses. I'll include point values, mostly because I don't know who out there is keeping tabs on Weight Watchers points, but all of these foods are super delicious, super healthy, and won't make you tighten your purse strings or loosen your belt.

Arnold's Sandwich Thins: These little sandwich flats are perfect for making your favorite peanut butter and jelly, grilled cheese, or breakfast sandwich (I prefer the egg and cheese, myself). You can toast them, heat them up, eat them straight, or bake them into pita-style chips. I've had luck with them all, and I haven't been disappointed. The best thing? It's a mere 1 point for a single sandwich thin (that's two slices). They're not much more expensive than bread, and a package comes with eight. Buy one bag a week, and you're set. I'm partial to the Whole Grain White, myself. A mere 100 calories!

Ragu Light Tomato and Basil Pasta sauce: I bought this because it looked good. I didn't even check the points value when I purchased it, but I assumed it couldn't be that bad. As it turns out, though, a half-cup serving of this pasta sauce is a startling 0 points! It has all the flavor and pizzazz of normal past sauce, but it's much healthier and because of it's low points? Eat up!

Kettle Brand Baked Chips (BBQ), 20 pieces: Twenty chips is quite a lot, even though it might not seem like it. People tend to be averse to counting out portions, but I live for it. I tend to buy a bag of something, split it into single servings so when I want a nosh, I just grab an individual baggie. These chips, purchased with a $1-off coupon at the local Trader Joe's come out to only 2 points, which makes it a pretty low-key potato chip snack. Baked Lays amount to the same per serving, but these chips have a lot more flavor and feel a lot more substantive when you're eating them.

McCafe Iced Vanilla Latte, Medium, Nonfat: I'm a sucker for the McDonald's McCafe drinks ... they really ARE that good. I feel guilty saying it, because it's McDonalds, but I figure if this is the only thing I'm downing from there, I can't be doing too bad. For a mere 3 points, this is a real hit in the coffee department when you get it nonfat-style. It's flavorful, gives you the UP you need with caffeine, and it's pretty cheap, too.

Double Rainbow Chocolate Sorbet, 1/2 cup: I get sweets cravings all the time, and most of the time, I'm taken back to some delicious chocolate sorbet I had in Israel. It was parve (non-dairy) and such treats come in handy when you're planning to eat a meat meal. So when I spotted this little pint at Trader Joe's, I was ELATED. For 1/2 a cup, and 2 points, I can get sweet, rich, creamy chocolate sorbet without feeling guilty. Thank you Trader Joe's!

Of course, there are the old standbys -- Yoplait Light yogurts are only 2 points, three egg whites are only 1 point (throw this in with a 1-point slice of cheese on the 1-point sandwich flats and you have a 3-point breakfast!), Guiltless Gourmet chips with salsa for a 2-point snack, and more. There are lots of things that get me by. Oh, and I can't forget Trader Joe's potato wedges -- 16 pieces are only 2 points -- and chicken fingers (two are just 3 points). Some light salad dressing for 1 point on a 0-point salad makes for a good pre-meal meal, too.

Basically, I'm feeling good about my food and the delicious things I'm finding!

A slow, unpleasant start.

It's been a hard week and a half for me. I'm not sure if it's because I don't have access to a full kitchen and thus spend the greater portion of my day wishing for snacks, or if it's because I'm not quite back to eating the right foods. You see, I've gone over my points almost every day over the past week. This isn't good, no sir.

But slowly, things are looking up, I guess. Since I was on Weight Watchers last year, they've updated their software to include little diamonds next to the "filling foods," and the past few days I've been consuming more of these filling foods. Add to this that I've picked up some good items at the store -- including some Light Ragu that's 0 points for a serving -- and I think I'll be opening up my points a bit more and hopefully will have some leftover at the end of each day. I just don't remember it being this hard last year. Of course, I am dating now, eating out more than I did before, and am finding it harder to feel full.

I know I'm at an important intersection. I've spent the past year hoping that those last five or six pounds would drop off, dropping me below an uncomfortable point on the scale. I'm just waiting for them to go away. I know that once I can drop those pounds, I should be able to continue losing to a healthy point, to a size I feel comfortable, a size that I perhaps haven't been at in 10-12 years, and then maintain that weight.

At any rate, that's where I am at. I made it to Trader Joe's to get some of my staples -- polenta, chicken fingers, potato wedges, and also picked up some delicious Chocolate Sorbet that was just 2 points per serving. It's a slow, grueling process sometimes, but I have to think that in the end? It'll be worth it.

She's back in business -- time to lose weight again.

Almost a year after I first joined Weight Watchers online, I have joined again. There's something about January and all the layers that makes a girl feel cute, but overweight. I've packed back on about five of the pounds that I'd managed to keep off. It might seem like peanuts, but when you're at my weight, you can see it and you can feel it. It's a delicate balance. I've gotten by for a long time with a slender face. People tell me I don't look overweight, because I have a thin face, a chin that is almost pointy at times. But to be honest, I'm starting to feel the weight back in my face. What is it? Have I adjusted to my weight lost and jumped back into seeing myself in a different light?

The difference now, for me, is that I have a gentleman in my life by the name of Tuvia who loves me dearly and swears up and down and left and right that I look outstanding. He hasn't seen a change in my weight since August, and in fact, quite the opposite.

I went home recently and was able to put on dresses that I hadn't been able to wear since my senior year of highschool, some six to seven years ago. It was uplifting, this just happening a few weeks ago. I'm wearing smaller pants and smaller shirts, but for some reason I don't FEEL smaller, despite the clothes and what have you.

So I'm signed back up. I just plugged in my daily consumption and it pans out to about 15 more points than I should be consuming in a day. I chock this up to a Diner Burger/Fries and a dinner of Lasagna and Garlic Bread at the kosher cafeteria on campus. The bonus here is that I'm living out of my dorm room, no meal plan, nothing, so I can manage what I eat and keep tabs closely. I'm making the boyfriend taking me to Trader Joe's on Sunday so I can pick up some of the things that I know and love -- potato wedges, chicken fingers, etc, that are filling, fast, and will be easy to tabulate on my online points schedule.

Basically, I'm back. I hope to be blogging regularly again, if anyone is really out there, that is. Until next time, keep on smiling :)

The truth.

Yikes. I know, I know. The blogging stopped once I really jumped off my weight-loss bandwagon. I mean, I'm still eating healthy and my entire philosophy on food has changed. It has stopped being mechanical and started being about enjoyment and understanding why and what we eat. I've still kept the weight off, and I was even super, amazingly close to ... okay.

You know, I realized that I never bothered to state my weight or my clothing size on this blog. I had decided that I didn't want people to know, for some reason or another, what I really weighed and what size clothes I wore. But then I thought about it while preparing to write this and decided I needed to stop referring to that magical weight I wanted to drop below, and just say it. So I'll get out with it.

When I went to the doctor back in August (nearly a year ago) for something or other, I was weighed and hit in at 238 pounds. I was disgusted and pretty much shocked, since when I was living in Washington D.C. (and the last time I'd gone to the doc) I weighed in at 215 (that was in December 2006). I'd spent most of college NOT weighing myself because I could see it in photos that I was rapidly gaining weight. You could see it in my cheeks. They were chubby and my clothes got bigger and I finally spent most of college wearing a size 20 in tops and pants. I vowed to not rise above that, and I did well in that regard. So when I hit the doc's in August 2007 and found out I was nearly 240 pounds, I had to stop and think about things. Two months after that I moved out from living with my then-boyfriend (and his decadent dinners laced with butter), and started to think more about what I ate. But I still ate out a lot with him, I ate the same stuff, and despite my best efforts, I wasn't losing anything. Then in January 2008 I started weight watchers at about 225 pounds. I quickly lost 20 pounds, and I've kept it all off, though I haven't lost more since then.

So I hopped on the scale a week ago and was an excited 202.2 pounds. But still? Defeated. I would kill to lose another 5 pounds. I just want to float comfortably in the 100s, you know? But in truth, I haven't weighted less than 200 in probably six years. So in a month I start school in Connecticut, where there will be a gym membership and (lots?) extra time to focus, perhaps, on my physical health some more. Getting healthy, and hopefully getting myself below that 200 that keeps looming, irritatingly, and laughing at me.

The upside of all of this is that my body has changed. I'm wearing, comfortably and with plenty of room (almost too much, actually) size 16 pants and size 14(/16) shirts. The problem I am running into, though, is that the shirts I buy fit my physique well, but don't so much fit my ... well ... chest. So I'm struggling with this dilemma of needing to buy the smaller size in shirts (sometimes even the 14/16s are too big) and yet trying to fit all of my womanly goods inside. Clothes, like this, are quite a funny and irritating thing. I've also convinced myself to stop buying XL shirts that I swim in, because, darn't, I gotta be comfortable with my figure if I'm going to expect someone else to be comfortable with it.

So there we are. My general update.